My Grandmother always used to say I had the patience of a saint. That nothing would ever phase me. That I never wavered from a task that set me a challenge. Of course, she said this whilst I was around six years old and building a house out of her playing cards. At six years old, life hadn’t truly tried my patience…. past the extent of a lop sided card dwelling tumbling down that is.
Now, as an adult, my patience has diminished substantially. Years of let downs, broken promises, regularly putting oneself out for others and getting jack shit in return as well as suffering personal loss has a way of putting one on edge and turning one’s knack for patience into a knack for taking control instead. You feel as though you decrease the chance of being hurt that way…as a coping strategy. And, as another upside, if you are in control, the measure of your patience is superfluous. Why be patient when you control how long you have to wait right?
Usually, I get by without much patience. I organise and control pretty much every aspect in my professional and personal life. I am my own boss so have all the control there. I’m the one who makes lists and keeps schedules and ‘ok’s plans. I know where all things are kept and I am also the one who usually decides where to eat, what to watch and where to sit. Even where to park the car! I sound like a nightmare but I am actually surrounded by a lot of people who hate making decisions. If I didn’t take charge or control then they would probably combust. Or I would. As I’ve said, I certainly don’t have the patience to stand and wait indefinitely whilst they figure out what they would like to do. I’m not six anymore.
This is not a postive by the way. I am a control freak. I miss my patient self. The one who didn’t care much about the inane crap and just lived in the moment, no pressure and no worries. Go with the flow literally used to be my motto. Now, because I got hurt by the flow of life, I cling to the side and crawl along with the flow but at my own designated pace as a way of feeling less at risk of more hurt. Yes I know… Its ridiculous.
It is also making this final part of pregnancy completely unbearable. I want out. I have a pelvis full of baby and that stupidly insufficient word ‘uncomfortable’ has cropped up so many times that it has me wanting to rip my hair out strand for strand. Uncomfortable?! Try fucking gruelling! Or Insufferable. No…. TORTUROUS!
My patience is gone. After almost 2 weeks of false labour pains, watching out for a ‘show’ (which trust me sounds way more impressive than it really is) and walking around like some demented penguin/duck hybrid with piles (literally!) I have had enough and my patience has GONE!
The lack of control that I have over this is doing my head in and I can’t take it. If I could sit serenely watching netflix with the odd stretch and walk around the room followed by napping on demand then I would feel better about having to wait indefinitely for a tsunami of pain to hit me and my body. I would feel rested. Strong. Confident.
But, rest is hard to come by when you are in your second pregnancy and the result of your first is 21 months of loveliness who innocently wants to play and crack on with business as usual with you, regardless of what your lower back and ligaments think. The additional fact you had an induction with the first also means that this whole waiting and watching thing is completely alien to you. Throw in the fact that the first also ended at 35 weeks gestation and you can easily feel like this whole second pregnancy thing is almost a completely first time thing instead, because you are now 37 weeks and have officially never been this pregnant before.
I want an induction. I loved induction. I obviously hated it happening prematurely and there were a whole load of complications there. But the fact I knew the day and time I needed to ‘check in’ to the hospital meant I was in control. I knew I had everything under control, I was able to plan and schedule and I went in as cool as a cucumber and I did it.
I did not require patience. I did not drive myself mad googling things like ‘what are early labour signs’ or ‘what does a show look like’. I didn’t find myself feverishly scrolling through pregnancy forums, latching on to fellow impatient mothers to be who ticked all the same symptom boxes as myself. I did not have to seek comfort in these things. My comforts were my controlled elements: the induction date and time.
This waiting game approach is horrible… almost like playing a hand of poker with mother nature. Well, my poker face is shot and I want this baby out now please. I have picked up the phone on more than one occasion to call the hospital and just ask to be induced. Like booking an eye test or a hair cut. ‘Hi, can I come have my baby please? You have space tomorrow at 2, I’ll be there!’. I’d love that.
When I had BB, everything was so controlled. So simple. So quiet. So smooth. I checked in. I got plugged up with pessaries, read some magazines, got hooked up to a drip and then an epidural and then I laid there patiently waiting to dilate and push him out. PB says I looked like I was sleeping most of the time. Of course, my exterior wasn’t relaying the huge undertaking my interior was going through, but I just felt so in control. And that suited me down to the ground.
Now, despite being near the end of my second pregnancy, I feel just as if not more vulnerable about B-Day than I did in my first. I no longer have an ‘ignorance is bliss’ mindset. I know what is coming. I remember the contractions, both before my epidural went in and on the 3 occasions it blocked. I remember gritting my teeth and pushing until my face felt red and about to explode. I remember the sting of the first wee, the fear of the first poop and the hell of the after pains. And, I’d just like to get it all over with please.
So, from me to my uterus….
‘Hi… You’ve done a really great job and I am a huge fan but….
PLEASE. Let him out now and let me just get this over with ok? I am losing my nerve. Thanks’.