TO SUM UP: THINKING AHEAD AND WATCHING TIME WITH PERSPECTIVE
Another week gone, the time just keeps steam rollering ahead and I am starting to look towards planning my Christmas lists and even possibly buying my very first ever pumpkin to carve! The heating is on, the boots are out and I can’t believe that the summer has flown.
Time is a funny old trick. Slow looking forward, fast looking back and almost at a stand still in between. I keep thinking how I felt this time last year, with a little secret growing in my belly, waiting for the 12 week Scan that would give me the green light to share it with everyone we know.
Then I skip through my pregnancy, with all the symptoms, worry and anticipation of meeting our son. Then the amazing day he arrived and turned everything upside down but right side up.
Then I think of all the milestones we’ve crossed in these weeks gone by. All the moments, developments and memories we’ve made. It’s amazing and breathtaking to look back upon and make comparisons to the past and the present. The mind just boggles!
Then I look ahead. And I think of all the adventures left to come, all the memories left to make and developments to go through. We all look forward into future prospects and the reaction to their possibility depends upon the perspective most of the time. Each perspective boils down to a negative or a positive view. I flit between the two. Certain parts of the future I am so looking forward to. Others leave me quite daunted and worried.
Main one being the nearest hurdle which is going back to work after Christmas. Before baby, I loved my job as a hairdresser. I resented certain parts… mostly I was always tired from working long hours and drained from talking my head off, but it was the norm and something I had been doing for near on 15 years. It was familiar. Reliable. Significant of my independence. I was frightened of letting it go and having a big change.
Little did I know that the big change would flip my attitude to work completely and leave me scared of going back to it. Baby and I spend pretty much every minute of the day (and night) together. I have times where PB takes Baby and I can have a bath, or run an errand or sleep for a normal stretch of time. But other than that, he is my shadow. That’s how it is isn’t it? Mother and Baby.
As hard as it is. As much as I get so tired I can’t even think clearly or my muscles ache from picking him (and all his equipment!) up from place to place or how long my hair goes without being washed (so far my record is 2.5 weeks… shocking for a hairdresser, I know!) it doesn’t matter. Because although technically motherhood can be seen as an arduous job, I love it. I love him so I do the best job I can.
My worry is balancing the job I had as hairdresser with the job I’ve got as Being Mummy. Going back into work and having to part with him is going to be very hard and at times very painful. When you have been attached to this little person from the moment they existed, and the longest you have gone apart is just a few hours, the idea of working entire work days away from him leaves me pretty anxious.
It’s all normal of course. If it wasn’t, then we would all be still joined at the hip to our mother’s. I’ve heard of separation anxiety and been guilty of rolling my eyes upwards, dismissing it as a matter of weak neediness on behalf of desperate mother’s. Man oh man, was I wrong! For that I apologise. It is very much a real thing and very hard to over come. But, it is something that must be conquered. It’s what has to be done in order to create a healthy, well balanced individual who doesn’t need to hang on to apron strings. Factor in the need for income and that a hell of a lot of people are relying on me to get back in the saddle and that pretty much seals the deal on why I have to go back to work.
And that’s fine. I’m just acknowledging how it is going to feel, and that I am really not looking forward to that struggle. But, give it our little friend called ‘Time’ and I’m sure it will all feel fine. I’ll have time to myself at work, time to catch up with familiar faces and eat a lunch at leisure! Time to pee without the door open and time to enjoy styling hair. Time to reclaim my independence a little bit. Scary and nerve wracking… but I guess also exciting and refreshing.
It’s all just a matter of perspective I guess.
|My Baby Boss
Additional information and findings from this week :
– Baby is filling out 9 – 12 month clothing. Not a bad thing, just very funny seeing as he is only 5 months.
– Weaning makes poops very smelly.
– Housework is a never ending task. I feel like a hamster on a wheel or a cat chasing it’s tail. I clean up, leave the room, come back and it’s messed up. It’s such a thankless task but I guess we all have to do it right? Rather a hamster on a wheel than a rat in a sewer!
– Naptime and Bedtime are sacred to me. They are my downtime, the times I get to switch off and relax. If I don’t have that time and space, I find life gets quite overwhelming and I react by feeling resentful.
– We spent the best part of the week with PB’S brother and his girlfriend. They came down to stay and it was lovely to hang out together. Again, I find it amazing how we can fit so many into a 1.5 bedroom bear cave but it worked and we had a fun time! PB has a bad virus so having the extra help and company was a real godsend. Plus the extra mouths to feed gave me a preview to what life as a big family would be like. Loved it…. even if it did quadruple the washing up!haha!