We all have times during motherhood where thoughts cross our minds, sometimes fleetingly and sometimes they linger about in the back for a while, that leave us feeling either ashamed for thinking such a thing and/or that familiar friend called Mummy Guilt taps us on the shoulder and gives us a smug wave!

These thoughts usually relate to things we have sacrificed to have children (sounds very archaic doesn’t it?!) and usually revolves around some form of (dare I say it?) resentment towards the pressures and demands that parenting puts upon us.

Disclaimer: I love my life. I love my children. I love my other half. I wouldn’t change anything for an instant…. apart from maybe my mum tum. Jokes. 

Taboo Thought #1: I Miss Work.

 

This thought infuriates me when it crosses my mind. We have such a small window of time with our little ones, work can wait. But I miss the independence work brings me. The sociability (I’m a hair and makeup artist so mingle with lots of people. Well. I did) is something I really miss, especially on the days where it’s just me and the kids and no other interaction. I miss earning a wage and the feeling of achievement that comes with seeing your earnings in the bank. I miss the creativity my work brings me, the special feeling that I get from helping others feel their best. I am self employed too, so a lot of the time I panic that there will be no work to go back to and then that all spirals into a lack of self confidence and incredulous feelings as to how I will manage it all when I do go back. I have to keep this thought at bay though, and not run before walking. I recently tried to do a booking and it was just too soon. Baby George wasn’t happy to take a bottle of expressed milk, I was shattered from lack of sleep as we are still night feeding and when you have been off work for a long stretch it is really hard to hit the ground running. Hairdressing and makeup artistry are a physical job and with only being 4 months post partum, I really struggled. No running before walking, that is the key. But the fact I miss it so much is probably why I get myself in such a hurry to get back. Mental note to self: Slow the hell down woman, there’s plenty of time.

Taboo Thought #2: I Hate My Body

 

I know it is completely ungrateful to think this. My body has achieved amazing things and brought us two beautiful boys. But, I look in the mirror and, 9 times out of 10, I hate what I see. Wobbly bits, lumpy bits, saggy bits, stretch marks criss crossing my flesh like a road map that’s had a drink spilt over it and even my bloody feet have taken on a mind of their own! I have two shelves full of beautiful high heels that I used to totter about in regularly and now I can only just about get my big toe into them…. like some sort of ugly sister character from a Cinderella Panto. Even my hair has decided to desert me and I now have a decisively thinned out patch at the front and centre that takes some clever hairdressing trickery to disguise. The hairs that are not deserting me are turning grey and hormones are leaving me feeling like a deranged and anxious rabbit on a regular basis. I love my body for all that it has done but I hate that it shows all the effort it’s taken in the form of wear and tear. I’ve read body positive articles, I’ve watched the uplifting adverts and short videos on my news feed and I’ve admired other women for their body confidence and positivity. I want to think like that, I really do. But when your body feels alien to you and you don’t recognise the reflection in the mirror, it can be a little bit jarring. I’m not having a pity party for myself, I am just accepting how I feel and then once it is fully processed I shall begin to think pragmatically and say ‘Ok, so what are we going to do about it?’. I’ve already lost weight since having George in March and am back in my pre pregnancy jeans so am already heading in the right direction…. To the fridge…. ha! Kidding.

Taboo Thought #3: I’m so Lonely

 

How is it, that even though I am with two children every day, I still feel lonely?! It makes no sense on one hand, but on the other, it makes perfect sense. You can’t have a full on conversation with a 2.5 yr old and a 5 month old. At least, not a very complex one. My eldest tends to try out sentences on me such as ‘Oooo look, the SKY!’ and that then prompts me to give the response of ‘Yes, it is the sky.’ Then, upon a bit of an expectant silence descending upon the two of us, I then venture forth with a question such as ‘Do you see the cloud’ which then gets replied with eager pointing. And there you have it, the full extent of our conversation. And my youngest generally coos and gurgles and growls for the most part. Can’t really expect any different from a 5 month old can you?

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE these little snippets of interaction and am really enjoying seeing all their developments. But I can go through a whole day without having a proper adult conversation sometimes and it is all I can do to stop myself speaking to the cats! Thank goodness for phones, that’s all I can say! I may not be able to converse with people in the immediate vicinity, but there is always someone on the end of a messaging feed or Whatsapp call that can take the edge off a little. An of course our friend social media.

I never had the money to join NCT groups and I don’t actually have many Mummy friends. So going out for coffee and cake has never really happened, meeting up for picnics in the park haven’t either and when I go to soft plays or play groups, I always sit on my own and envy the mothers who are paired up chatting with a friend.

Taboo Thought #4: I’m so Bored

 

I lack inspiration for things to do on such a regular basis. Usually when it is pissing it down with rain and we are at the end of the month without much cash to spare. Filling every day with interesting, cheap and fuss free things to do is tough! I am pretty glad that I have had my two close together as it helps that a soft play keeps them both happy, or if we go to a park then they can both go in the swings or something. I am going to sit down and have a really good think about ideas for what to do with them in the colder months, research nearby activities online and such. Proactive attitude is key here really! I tend to sit staring into space a bit, brain dead by the Cbeebies theme tunes on a loop in the back ground and before I know it, it’s gone midday and we are still in our pyjamas. No wonder things get boring!

Taboo Thought #5: I Love you. But I don’t like you.

 

I love my children. They are my life. My world. But sometimes, on the days where they are both on a melt down, I’ve had to navigate our toddler through 3 tantrums before lunch and the baby is incessantly screaming, chomping on my nips and pulling my remaining hair strands out, I sit there and think ‘I don’t like you today’. I’d never say it to them. I just can’t help the thought from passing me by. The all encompassing feeling of ‘I don’t like you, you’re being horrible today and I want to cry’ is unstoppable. Some days it lasts a while and I breathe deeply and count to 10 a lot. Other days it is a fleeting flash and then I feel mean. But, it always passes. They do something adorable or I get a cuddle or a snuggle and I wonder how I could ever have a negative thought about them in the first place. And then I remind myself that I am only human.

Myself rocking motherhood

This Mum's Life

My Random Musings

Weaning. Ahhh…. Weaning. The excitement. The frustration. The sheer, bloody mess of it all! I have always said that I can handle changing nappies, clearing up puke and wiping snotty noses but the moment you put me in front of a baby or toddler eating and it’s game over. I have to distract myself. Games, songs, my phone. Just anything to take me away from the gooey, gunky, slobbery mess that is unfolding right before my eyes and beckoning me to attack with wet wipes and Dettol when it is all over! I just find the whole thing so grim. Pathetic isn’t it really?

 

Well, luckily the lovely people at Dodotude gave me a reason to actually look forward to weaning Baby George by sending over a couple of their newest products to review!

 

 

I’ve been so excited to try them out since I got them a little while ago, and have been waiting eagerly for George to be ready to try solid foods. He’s a little over 5 months which is a tad early by healthcare guidelines but I just couldn’t hold him off any longer. He was stealing food off my plate, lunging forward at us as we guided food into our mouths and, on the odd desperate occasion where it all got a little too much for him, he actually growled at us in frustration across the room whilst we all sat and had dinner so I knew enough was enough.

 

So, out came the highchair and on went the Dodotude Soft Silicone Baby Bibs!

 

 

They are such good quality, made from really soft silicone and without nasty things like latex or vinyl or substances like that which can cause reactions to our little ones’ sensitive skin if we aren’t careful. There are two designs available at $14.99 on Amazon (however there is currently a half price offer over on Groupon), one is a pink pig and one is a grey hippo. Each one features a little pocket for all the goop and god knows what else to drop into, whilst the adjustable neckband is really easy to use, really flexi which makes it comfortable for them to wear and (my personal favourite!) is the fact that they can’t yank it off mid breakfast or supper or whatever, and smear their clothes in pureed carrot or strawberry juice or something like that!

 

 

In the past, I’ve tried bibs with poppers, velcro, all in ones and all of them were either off in an instant or left me worrying that the baby would end up choked by the bib instead of the food. The other great thing about them is the fact that they are so easy to clean! I’ll either spritz them with anti bac spray and then dunk them into the sink to get clean, or if I’m in a rush then they go into the dishwasher and come out looking brand new.

 

The only thing that I have a problem with is that the bibs have the traditional design of being all in the front and under the chin, which is great and obviously that is where most of the food debris ends up! As standard sizes go, these bibs are actually nice and big and cover the whole chest and under chin area. But, if your kids are anything like my two, the food tends to travel all over the upper torso and the limbs which means that George (and sometimes Teddy when he wears one during a particularly sloppy meal) still manage to cake their sleeves in whatever mess they are making. But, in all fairness, that is probably my fault for not being on the ball and rolling up their sleeves so that they aren’t in the way whilst they are eating. Ultimately that is up to me, not the lovely bib people at Dodotude! Ha!

 

They really are such a well made, soft and durable product and I am so pleased with them. I’ve thrown loads of recipes at this bib and literally NOTHING sticks to or stains it! Which is so good because my two love eating tomato based things and tomatoes can really stain bibs, especially the fabric ones. It can also seep through fabric ones as well, whereas the silicone material on these ones completely stop that from happening. Love them. Love, love, LOVE them!

 

Note: Do NOT love weaning though. Bloody nightmare.

 

This was a collaborative post but all reviews and opinions were my own. 

The Pramshed

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My Random Musings

I got a new car

What Have We Been Up To This Week?

 

I have mentioned in blog posts before that, when it comes to dealing with stress, I can become a little bit like an Ostrich. I get overwhelmed, panic and then pitch my head into the sand for as long as I can before PB yanks me out by my tail feathers and tells me to get a grip and just ‘get on with it’.

 

Such circumstances happened this past week after my lease car’s deadline date (1st of September) suddenly appeared much sooner than I had anticipated, and it suddenly dawned on me that I would be left completely car-less. Not a catastrophic state of affairs compared to say world famine, national debt and Donald Trump’s hair, but we do live in a rural area where buses only come once an hour and there are more tractors than cars. Once PB pointed out that I had no means of getting anywhere if there was an emergency whilst he was at work or if I needed to nip somewhere quickly (with two littles in tow) it would be more of a whole day’s expedition, I suddenly broke out into a cold sweat and it was all I could do not to alternate between rocking in a corner and pacing around the living room in circles.

 

Thank the heavens for that man of mine. He downloaded Auto Trader, trawled through all the relevant search options and arranged me to have a couple of viewings for cars in the nearby areas whilst I dealt with the paperwork and final terms on my lease car.

 

I get strangely attached to cars. Each time I have parted with a car, I have felt quite sentimental about it. Which is surprising, not only because they are just machines, but because they have actually caused me no end of stress and grief over the years. Haven’t the faintest clue about them whatsoever. I once got asked what car I had by a mechanic whilst arranging an MOT over the phone and my genuine reply was ‘a Silver One’. Like I said, clueless.

 

Anyway, within 3 days, I had viewed, test driven and purchased a new car, handed back the leased one and navigated the minefield that is car insurance quotes and car tax. I am now the proud owner of a blue Renault Megane Scenic and it has been *hugs the wooden door frame out of suspicious hope* completely bloody fantastic. My sentimental attachment to the lease car, a Suzuki Alto, lasted a mere minute when I realised just how much easier it is going to be manoeuvring the kids and all their paraphernalia in and out of the new Renault. It’s been a funny time getting used to going from driving the equivalent of a food mixer to driving what can only be described as something akin to a mini bus. I am higher up, there are tray tables for the kids seats in the back which make me want to pretend I am actually flying a plane and the boot has so much space that it could become an option for a home office if I get over run by the boys! I am just super pleased with it and relieved that we have had *hugs wooden banister for extra superstitious luck* a straightforward and stress free car purchase. Here’s hoping it doesn’t conk out on a frosty morning come December and leave me stranded.

 

My new car

 

I do apologise for taking up this week’s update post with something as mundane as car talk! But that has literally been what my week has mainly consisted of. That and a food shop. I know… so rock n roll.

Additional Information And Findings From This Week:

 

  • Teddy has turned into what can only be described as a octopus/bull in a china shop hybrid. I can be cooking dinner and, all of a sudden, a little hand shall reach up through the crook of my arm and grasp the nearest object before dragging it down to the floor for full inspection. I have found tomatoes dotted about the living room after one of these inspections, along with a potato peeler, teaspoon and pastry brush. There have been potatoes posted through the cat flap, PB’s wallet plus contents strewn about behind the curtains and an entire box of stewed veggies intended for George to begin his weaning all emptied out onto the living room floor. And that’s just downstairs! Upstairs I have rescued jewellery, perfume bottles and my makeup bag from all being relocated and potentially demolished. Same couldn’t be said for my big tub of Matrix Ultra Hydrating Balm though. The whole lot was emptied and plastered all over the bath and the toddler before I could come to the rescue. I now have a very soft skinned child and a lot of dry split ends!

 

  • George is officially on the move. He is able to sit up fairly unaided but pop him on his back and he will roll over and start to shimmy backwards faster than you can say ‘Twirlywoos’. He is determined and strong, and I already miss being able to confidently put him down in one spot and know he won’t move. He will be crawling by Christmas. Am sure of it.

 

  • We have had so many spiders come into the house this week that I am completely beside myself. I am not a fan of them or anything creepy crawly, and with me averaging sightings of at least two of the big, hairy buggers of every evening, I may consider making a bed up in the boot of the new car!

 

  • Test driving a new car whilst sat next to a complete stranger is so anxiety inducing. I felt as though I was having lessons again! The anxiety obviously gave way to nervous chatter and I found myself explaining to the bewildered and very patient car dealer that ‘I get very attached to cars’ and, in reference to my Suzuki (who by this time sounded like a real person) I uttered the phrase ‘I will miss her. She’s the only one I have been in for the past 3 years!’. Made me sound like one of those people who find inanimate objects attractive. Winning. 

 

  • Incidentally, the new car’s registration plate ends in ‘BUW’. Therefore, at a quick glance, it looks like I am driving around with the word ‘BUM’ in front of me. Luckily it’s at the end of the reg and not the beginning, therefore whoever sits in the passenger seat shall assume the label…. in theory. 

Mummascribbles

My Random Musings