Weekly Update: Don’t Panic

I’m not sure if it was fate or coincidence, perhaps even both, that I found myself having a pretty crap week just as the world was raising awareness for maternal mental health.

It started off with a change of plans meaning that I couldn’t have a day to myself that I had been both desperately needing and looking forward to. The disappointment is palpable when you have some precious ‘me time’ dashed away at the last minute due to childcare plans falling through.

I’ve also had a eureka moment because what I thought was an immovable cold that has been plaguing me is, in fact, bloody hayfever! I didn’t even consider it until I came out of our front door the other morning and saw pollinating dandelions dancing about in the breeze like some idyllic scene from fantasia or something. I’m allergic to nature, it’s irritating in every sense of the word.

So, a snotty and overtired me kept waking up everyday thinking each day would be better. But by the afternoon of each day, I was willing the day to pass so I could get to bed time and close my eyes on it all. Silly things really.

Like house hunting for instance. Our landlord has just sold our home. With my assistance might I add. The one viewing they had when I was home (and I stupidly gave in to my home pride and cleaned the house top to bottom so that it shone with potential… I even lit a bloody candle… what a pillock?!) and the house got sold. No panic.

Who am I kidding? Of course I panicked.

As a result, I have been panic viewing properties this week. We have a couple of months to find somewhere but I feel very much in limbo and I hate it. I like a plan. I like a clear view of whats happening and coming up ahead. At the moment, I can’t see what the bleep is going on.

The properties I viewed were nice. But the deposits that are being asked for are completely ridiculous. A month and a half of the rent total upfront. Two months if you have a pet. Plus agency fees. Weird sounding things such as pet addendums (I know… a what what what??) which is basically a piece of paper that states ‘Yes, this is a cat. Yes it is mine. And yes, it will be living with me so I shall pay if it pisses on the carpet’. That little gem was worth £60 apparently… per cat. I have two. I was laughing to stop myself from crying in front of the agent.

It hit us like a ton of bricks that we haven’t got the deposit we thought we had so we are having to squirrel away like mad this month to be able to move when the time comes.

And that time is going to be both exciting and difficult. I feel ready to move in some ways. But in others, it makes me sad. I love the area we live in. I’ve been a mum of one and then a mum of two in this house. Birthdays and Christmases have been celebrated here. Teddy is now aware of where he lives and every time we drive home he gets excited and says ‘We’re home Mummy!’. That sense of belonging is so nice… and I’m sure he will feel it wherever we go to next. But it is still sad to end the chapter.

Sad was the theme of the week monday to friday really, but the weekend picked up brilliantly. PB arranged for my friends to come and stay Friday night so we ate pizza, caught up on news and they all group hugged me when I arrived home from work and broke down from the shittiness of the week. It’s funny, sometimes the last thing you might want is company when you feel so down but, actually, it is the best thing to have. It has to be from true friends though… the ones who know you inside out and have your back through anything. I wouldn’t just come through my front door and fall onto just anyone in tears… just the sight them was a relief and it all came out. And we laughed so much that evening that my cheeks hurt!

And then I noticed the little positives from the week. I’d been so busy letting myself get bogged down by the shitty bits, I had almost lost sight of the good bits. For one, I managed to sort through and organise our utility room for the first time in months. Cleaning and organising is so cathartic!

And, most importantly, Teddy has been brilliant at nursery this week! Getting to know the other little boys and girls, getting stuck in with ball games and painting. Amazing little guy! I can’t believe he turns 3 next week?!

We’ve also just spent a lovely day at the farm with my sister and my niece and nephew. Plenty of vitamin D (I must confess almost too much… my face is a slight shade of lobster right now) and fresh air have all worked wonders on my mood.

The only blot on the horizon is that I have to stop writing and go put the bins out ready for collection tomorrow morning. Bin juice, awkward wheelie bins and the fact they make so much noise on the pavement that I can feel my entire cul de sac twitching their curtains to see who’s going past.

Might go out in just my pants and flip flops. Would serve them right for being so nosey I guess! Haha!

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