Why should I have to keep saying ‘Thank You’??

I love my other half. He is awesome. My hero and best friend combined. He works hard, puts myself and the boys first always and loves us to the moon and back. This is all a) completely true and b) a disclaimer for what I am about to talk about here in this post so that he doesn’t take offence and think I view him as a complete jerk.

Why is it, that when PB does anything around the house or with the children, I immediately feel guilty and as if I should be eternally grateful??

It’s not that I’m not appreciative. I am very appreciative whenever he does anything nice for me. But that is exactly the point. Taking the kids out whilst I stay home or have a bit of time to myself, or loading the dishwasher whilst I tackle breastfeeding should not be seen as doing something ‘for me’. No. Get that out of our socially conditioned heads shall we?! No, he is doing said things ‘with’ me. For ‘us’.

It drives me mad. I feel like an unofficial boss receiving a progress report all the time because even PB finds himself uttering phrases to me such as ‘I’ve put the washing out’ or ‘I’ve put the dishes away’. Sometimes he would even add on the cringe inducing ‘for you’ phrase. Which he soon stopped doing after I pointed out the above principle about exactly who it is for.

I don’t do it. I don’t turn around to him at the end of the day and list everything that I have done. Because I am not looking for any special recognition or thanks. The other element to this social stigma and trap is that, after I have been given the progress report, I seriously have to bite my tongue in order to avoid the overwhelming urge to say ‘Thank you’. What is that about?! Initially I did say it. A dutiful ‘thank you’ would come out and I would feel the weight of guilt and failure on my shoulders for not being able to do it all. Not because PB placed such a ridiculous mantle on me, but because I put it on myself by feeling pressurised to have everything ‘just so’ and ‘just right’ in order to prove to myself that I have my shit together, am winning at life and being the perfect fiance and mother.

Then, one day it hit me. There is no such thing as perfect and, ultimately, a home and a family are traditionally built and created by two people who are a partnership which thrives through team work. A little voice inside brought up the fact that PB works full time and I ‘just stay at home’ and once again I rallied at the thought that being a SAHM is not comparable to the stresses of working a full time job. It is. Massively. I won’t get into the full on debate about SAHM’s and SAHD’s vs Working Mum’s and Dad’s, I will save that nugget for another time. But that was the trail of thought my little social standardised puppet of a brain went down and I gave it a proverbial slap around the proverbial face.

Don’t get me wrong, as I have said, it is certainly important to appreciate one another for the efforts that each go to in order to maintain a happy family life. But I think that the clarification on this whole subject is that my priority and focus whilst being at home is indeed to keep the house and watch the children simply because I am here all the time and I am their mother and am here to nourish and nurture them within a (fairly) clean and tidy home. It is not, however, my job. My job is being a self employed hair and makeup artist. I tend to both the home and the children because it is necessary and our life. Being Mummy is my ‘role’. I play my half of our team. And PB plays his as a Dad and we appreciate one another’s efforts through seeing the success of our family unit. Mutual appreciation and gratitude is where it is at. I sometimes say tongue in cheek that ‘Motherhood is the best job’ and that ‘Children are hard work’ which is probably where the confusion lies. By labelling bringing up children and running a household as work, I am therefore assigning myself a job role and title which is why I feel the pressure to do everything and PB feels like he needs to give a progress report. As I said, being a mother is comparable to a full time job, but is it actually a job? As in, a career?

It is a really interesting and complex subject and I have made myself dizzy thinking about it around and around in my head. But, one thing that is clear, we both put our all into our family and home and are grateful for one another’s effort.

It’s simply that actually saying ‘Thank you’, in this instance, is a notion that can, quite frankly, kiss my arse.

Do you feel like you have to say thank you if your other half helps with the kids or around the house? Do you think motherhood is rightly defined as a job? Or is it a role or title we bear that is in no way a definition of our careers? Am I wrong in feeling this way? I’d love to hear your input, it will help my head stop spinning on the subject! 

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Comments

  1. August 24, 2017 / 1:32 pm

    This was an interesting read and I think it is a hard thing to quantify. Sometimes I find it hard that because there is a monetary value to what he does, he deems it as more ‘worthy’. It’s frustrating to say the least! But I know he thinks I am a fab Mum – just a very poor cleaner. And I cannot help but agree with him on that front! #BrilliantBlogPosts

  2. August 25, 2017 / 6:49 am

    I’ve had to have a chat to myself this week about the thank you thing, particularly now I’m on maternity leave and have more of the responsibility for the chores and kids. I feel guilty when he does things, but I really shouldn’t as I doubt he feels the same when it’s the other way round!

    I don’t see motherhood as a job, just part of who I am. But there is no denying that being at home is far harder and more demanding than being at work. It’s constant, there’s no downtime like a lunch break or commute gives you. I’m not sure the working parent always acknowledges that.

    #thatfridaylinky

    • mebeingmummy
      August 25, 2017 / 9:50 am

      Exactly. I find saying thank you just affirms that it is all down to me when it isn’t. It’s shared 🙂

      I’ve tried to explain that being at home is completely different to being at work and that lunch breaks and commute are down times for the working parent but I think he sees differently lol! Xx

  3. August 27, 2017 / 8:38 am

    I guess saying thank you is just nice to do we always do if one of us does something for each other we are teamThank you for linking to #ThatFridayLinky Please come back next week

    • mebeingmummy
      August 30, 2017 / 11:58 pm

      Oh yes, definitely. It’s nice if you say thank you for someone doing something FOR you, but my point with this is that my OH doesn’t make the bed FOR me or clean the dishes FOR me. We do it together and therefore I shouldn’t expect thanks neither should he. See you next week 🙂

  4. August 28, 2017 / 7:29 am

    This was interesting read. Hubby and share the housework equally. We’ve never felt the need to tell one another what we’ve done or say thanks for doing it as we just do it because it has to be done. Thanks for linking up to #ThatFridayLinky

    • mebeingmummy
      August 31, 2017 / 12:00 am

      Exactly! Team work, partnership. No need for thanks, just a mutual understanding that it is team work is enough. xx

  5. August 28, 2017 / 5:34 pm

    I’ve taken a moment to get my thoughts together and respond something helpful. Sorry I’ll take a loss. I still have no idea where I am with all the stay at home/working parenting thingy.

    I used to call myself a stay at home dad, then realised I did anything but stay at home and when on the rare occasion I was at home I wasn’t being a do-naff-all-dad which is how some people read stay-at-home-parent.

    Anyway, great read. I’m glad you discussed these thoughts stemming from societies attempts to brain wash us all, or along those lines.

    #ThatFridayLinky 😃

    • mebeingmummy
      August 31, 2017 / 12:05 am

      Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it! It’s hard to differentiate who and what one ‘is’ with all the labels flying around such as SAHM/D and Working Mum or Dad etc. We are all parents though. And we all (hopefully!) work hard and try our best. xx

  6. September 4, 2017 / 11:19 am

    I definitely agree with you. ANything done in the house is for us and not individual! We don’t need to thank each other. Acknowledge it yes, but not thank! Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

  7. September 8, 2017 / 9:52 am

    I completely understand this! My husband is also amazing and he does do his fair share around the house. The difference is that I get a play by play of the tasks he’s completed, whereas I just crack on! Thanks so much for sharing with #Blogstravaganza xx

  8. September 8, 2017 / 10:03 pm

    This is a post that makes you think! My hubby and I both work and both share the housework. We still thank each other for helping, not because it is expected but because it is nice to feel appreciated so if he vacuums and I’ve cooked then why not say thanks. It’s a job off of the list. It isn’t something we do all the time but we do sometimes. #Blogstravaganza

    • mebeingmummy
      September 21, 2017 / 2:22 am

      Completely, it is nice to show appreciation for things. It’s just the times when it is expected because it is apparently all down to me. That is when it sticks in my throat a little. xxx

  9. September 12, 2017 / 10:59 pm

    I am a single mum but I understand what you mean about how ingrained it is. I go to every school event , Help out , bake cakes for school fairs. Small girl’s daddy shows up to one assembly amd is fawned all over people telling me how lucky small girl is to have him (which she is but not because of that) #blogstravaganza

    • mebeingmummy
      September 21, 2017 / 2:00 am

      I admire single parents so much! You are superheroes to me lol! I can imagine how frustrating that would be… would probably end up throwing the cakes on the floor and stomping out haha! xxx

  10. September 18, 2017 / 8:41 pm

    Oh this totally resonates with me. I’m a SAHM and I feel so bad if hubby comes home before I’ve had chance to start making tea. He never complains about it and will often just start cooking it himself (he’s better at cooking than me anyway) but then I rush in apologising and justifying why I haven’t done it yet. I am annoyed at myself for doing it… and yet I keep repeating the same behaviour! I’m glad I’m not the only one. This is something I really need to work on.

    Anyway, congratulations because someone else totally loved this post too – they even added it to the #blogcrush linky! Feel free to collect your “I’ve been featured” blog badge 🙂 #blogcrush

    • mebeingmummy
      September 21, 2017 / 2:16 am

      It is just a weird mindset isn’t it? I think it is just where we pressurise ourselves to be perfect at all things when it is near on impossible! Oh! I’ve totally missed getting the badge! Will have to grab it and pop it on the old sidebar, thank you for letting me know! xxx

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