Dear Me. I Miss You.

Dear Me,

To be precise, Me Before Being Mummy. I know you! Y’know, the old version of me that keeps popping up on Facebook’s ‘On this day/see your memories bit’…. like a massive harpoon in the face. You are still there. I can see you, in the back of my tired mind amongst the to do lists, planners, shopping lists and routine. You look amazing by the way. I know you don’t think so but you really do. All fresh faced, perky boobed and in stylish clothes… clean clothes. Clothes that are not of gargantuan size and that don’t have stains or crusty patches of food on them. Your hair looks fucking fantastic too…. not a mum bun or scraped back ponytail – with wispy bits combo – in sight!

How are you sleeping? Well I’m sure… 10 hours a night and lay ins at the weekends right? I’m not sleeping too good. You don’t when a toddler is going through a clingy/teething stage and you have an (albeit beautiful) newborn munching on your nips around the clock. Mostly its my mind that keeps me awake because of all the afore mentioned lists and routines but also because of you.

I miss you.

It sounds so terribly dramatic and ungrateful doesn’t it? I don’t mean it to and I know that you were all for trading in yourself to start being me. To start Being Mummy. But I really do miss you at times, one of those times being now. I have been looking in the mirror a lot lately and I just can’t get my head around it. So many changes in a relatively short space of time.

Time. Ha. Now there’s another thing. How are you spending your time? Still lazing in the bath all afternoon reading Glamour Mag before watching back to back episodes of Come Dine with Me? Still taking 45 minutes to do your makeup and thinking you have nothing to wear when in fact you have a shit ton of outfits to strut about in. The other day I watched a Youtuber explain how she had struck on the idea of tying a small scarf to the handle of her handbag simply ‘coz it looks cute‘. It made me think of you. You would have loved the idea! I love the idea but can’t exactly find a scarf that quite compliments our cartoon motif baby bag. Or the back up option of the torn strapped canvas rucksack the PB delegated to being a baby bag one day when we realised the motifed one had a ripped lining. Why are they ripping?? All they carry is bloody wipes, nappies and sudocrem?! Either way, neither would look right sporting a scarf. Slight conflict in designs you see.

Enjoying work? I know, its busy and you’re tired. But trust me, that tiredness may seem crippling right now but it truly isn’t your tiredness limit. Have that afternoon long hot bath and sleep all those hours. Revel in that sense of achievement from making it through another work day and for the money you have in your pocket. The money that you have earned, that you are contributing and that you can use on anything you want to splurge it on. Nowadays… you don’t earn any money. You do the hardest job you have ever done… but you don’t earn any pennies for it. Sorry, just how it is I’m afraid. And you will constantly hear yourself referred to as a ‘Stay at Home Mum’ and will be in the ‘No, I/she don’t/doesn’t work’ category when your other half is on the phone to BT or you’ll find yourself saying it to the delivery guy ringing from DFS about your sofa bed delivery.

Which is infuriating because, like I say, I do the hardest job ever and work 24/7. I am the cleaner, the chef, the nurse, the care giver, the entertainer, the chauffeur, the comfort and the personal shopper. Don’t laugh, but I am even the bloody gardener?! And the sad thing is, receiving such labels as ‘SAHM’ panics me, even though I know it shouldn’t and actually admire other SAHM’s. It’s just that, for me personally, it makes me feel quite worthless sometimes. Useless even. But I have to try and work past that and reassure myself that its not the case at all and that, one day, I will be able to have a career again… hopefully…. with a lot of planning and juggling and even more effort than I already give. I may not have a pocket full of hard earned pennies at the moment, and my sense of achievement for a day may come from knowing the entire song from an episode of Numberblocks and the ability to get an infant to bed in time for my dinner to be cooked. But. I work my lovely, I really do. Harder than you ever have in your life.

And so, now, my biggest achievements are the ones with my eyes, PB’s ears and two of the most infectious smiles I could have wished for. Career or no career, life is now rolled up in two little people and my most important job is Being Mummy.

To you, they are a twinkle in your eye. But for me, they are the sunshine in my life.

I do miss you Me, but I don’t envy you. In fact, it’s most likely the other way around. But we will meet up again one day, converge together to make some hybrid with your grooming and career with my motherly instinct and multi tasking. Shouldn’t take too long… no need to rush eh?

All in good time.

With love from,

Me, Being Mummy. xxx

JakiJellz

Comments

  1. July 13, 2017 / 7:56 pm

    Oh this is so lovely! I think we will all recognise a bit of our old selves in the old you… She is still under there somewhere! xx

    Thanks for sharing with #coolmumclub

  2. July 13, 2017 / 9:30 pm

    I love this and I would imagine it resonates with a lot of other mums too. The pre-baby self often seems like a different person, doesn't it? I struggle with what the pre-kid version of me used to be able to accomplish and what I didn't realize I was giving up when we had kids-not just the lie-ins and time for myself but the chance to travel or get a little further in my career. It's good to know I'm not the only one! Visiting from #coolmumclub and following you now 😉

  3. July 18, 2017 / 7:51 am

    Ah I love this!! Could have written it! I look back at my time hop of care free weekends away and holidays and slightly sob inside!! But then, wouldn't change what i have for the world. #coolmumclub

  4. October 1, 2017 / 8:39 pm

    I love love love this!! So honest & just brilliant. You’ll get there lovely. It takes time but soon enough you’ll start to feel like the old you again. You never quite get back there. Just today I went out for the day with hubby while Little Man had a day with Nanny & Grandad. I’d been really looking forward to shopping and lunch & no rushing & clock watching but I couldn’t switch off for love nor money. I guess that’s just being a Mummy! But the old me was there too, she was just keeping new me company. Thank you for sharing this at #TriumphantTales. Hope to see you again on Tuesday

    • mebeingmummy
      October 31, 2017 / 2:34 pm

      Awww, thats such a lovely way to see it. The new and the old me keeping each other company. IT is so hard to switch off! I guess nature dictates that we don’t switch off for good reason but Mother Nature needs to understand that sometimes we need to shop without our hearts skipping a beat because we think we have forgotten our baby! lol! xxx

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